Extremes

I've been able to take some time this week in the middle of wedding planning to do some leisure reading, and it has done my mind and heart good. (I sat in on a video bible study recently where the point was made that if our minds aren't engaged, they become bored, and are more likely to think sinfully, or turn small things big, being destructive to ourselves and those around us. Great point. I want to keep my mind active.)

In reading some challenging articles in Relevant, and humorous paragraphs from Stuff Christians Like, I began to think about how often we live in "extremes" to avoid being perceived as whatever it is we don't want to be. I'm pretty passionate about noticing when people go to the "extreme" because I feel like deep down, it is a fear issue, and a crowd-pleasing issue. I'm also passionate about it because it is personal to me. I have a tendency to BE this pleaser, this person who has, many times, tried super hard to not be "seen" as one way by going the total opposite way. These thoughts are not to criticize as much as they are to question why and ponder the effects of this "image preserving" strategy.

The crowd could be your fellow church-goers, the person you want to notice you as a pursuable mate, or any number of people or people groups whose approval you seek. Here are some personal examples, and then some spiritual/church culture examples.

Personal

You don't want to be seen as needy, so you put up walls and don't know how to depend on someone.
You don't want to seem bossy, so you over-apologize in case someone has been pushed around a little too much by someone that day.
You don't want to seem inconsiderate, so you verbalize total willingness to rearrange your plans to accommodate someone else when they are the ones who can't keep their plans.
You don't want to seem thoughtless or passionless, so you engage often in intense conversation about current topics (but don't plan to do anything about your strong opinion.)

(Honest insert: I'm pretty aware that these fears come from the fact that when people do these things to me, I judge them and think wrongly of them, so to avoid those judgments from others, I run hard from what I quickly judge. One thing I've learned about myself is that being a pleaser stems from being a judger. To say I am a pleaser is a nice way of saying I am a manipulator of reactions perceptions so people don't have room to be as critical as I typically am.)

Church Culture

Don't want an empty salvation prayer, so you do away with altar-calls or invitations all together.
Don't want the worship of your congregation to be strictly emotional (lacking in truth or conviction), so you keep the drums light, the hymns frequent, and words like "Hillsong" or "lights" or "new song" make you cringe.
Don't want to be a distraction in worship, so the thought of allowing our body to reflect our heart's response to God is so squashed (through extreme/cautious upbringing) that lifting a hand actually DOES seem intentional rather than a response because of how stifled you've been.

(It's the debate: How would we worship in Spirit and truth if there were no limitations or expectations put on us from day 1 until now? Aside from heaven, I don't think we'll ever know. Would we be MORE weepy by nature if emotion wasn't so criticized and viewed as a sign of immaturity or lacking spiritual disciplines? Would we dance freely and naturally to worship music if it wasn't associated with charismatic experiences where scripture wasn't obeyed? Would we speak in scriptures and songs more often if we didn't have TV, movies, radio, i-tunes, blogs, secular self-help books, that define and decide our norm of spoken language? (That's an easy one.) Would our prayer-closet worship look different, therefor our corporate worship? Has the latter shaped the former?)

Don't want to seem cheesy in the beginning of a dating relationship, so you avoid talking about the things that matter, like boundaries, testimony, life goals, and values?
Don't want the youth group kids to lose interest or stop showing up, so you cut your teaching time to 8 minutes, and keep it on topics like "Friendship" and "Obeying your parents" rather than the gospel.


As I ponder on why we act this way (FEAR of being misunderstood, misrepresented, or judged, or fear of misrepresenting Jesus and the joy He gives), I can only conclude that it's a selfish, narrow-minded way of approaching the world around you. It's not leaving any room for others to make a decision based on the truth (or for God to take our efforts and flaws and turn them into His glory). It is only allowing them to make decisions or opinions based on a manipulated portrayal, which sits on a shaky hope of being taken as the thing you are acting out so diligently. :) There's so much room in the middle of it all to forget who you are, and the motive seems hardly justified.

I think the only thing that will cause people (or churches) to find the balance in the middle of the extremes is to be just as hurt or frustrated by the opposite extreme as you were from the idea of the extreme you did not want to be.

I know this because it's happened to me. It's happened through steady, intentional relationship with people who see how hard I work to not be something, that it destroys who I am in the process, and insults the way God made me, and the process he's taking me through to make me holy. It shows a huge lack of trust in God's ability to love and provide for me in my weakness.

I'm trying to let God be the potter of the clay. It's difficult. It's scary, because your clay may not look like someone else wants it to. Or like you think someone else wants it to look to approve it. But it has been and can be liberating.

What extremes are you living in, and what are their motives? How can you crack them?